Understanding Avoidant Attachment Styles in Dating

When it comes to romantic relationships, not all of us are wired the same way. Our attachment styles, which can be loosely divided into secure and insecure, play a significant role in how we navigate intimacy, trust, and emotional connection (3). For those with an avoidant attachment style, dating can present unique challenges and complexities.

As adults, we often don’t realize just how much of a role our past experiences as children can play in our adult relationships but taking time to reflect on them can be very beneficial to how you form relationships and function within them. Interestingly enough, if you experience enough healthy relationships throughout life your attachment style is actually able to change over time. If you are avoidant and have a secure partner this is a great way to have healthy growth and form more securely attached behaviors.

What is Avoidant Attachment?

Avoidant attachment is one of the insecure attachment styles, characterized by a fear of intimacy and a general distrust of others (3). Individuals with this attachment style often believe that expressing distress will lead to being ignored by their partner. As a result, they tend to soothe themselves rather than trying to seek support and comfort from others. 

This desire for autonomy often leads them to self-isolate so that they can avoid getting too emotionally close to others (3). It is not necessarily that avoidant people don’t want to be loved or have close relationships, they just don’t want to depend on someone else to help them be happy.

The Roots of Avoidant Attachment

So why are avoidant people the way they are? Their behavior typically stems from early experiences with attachment figures (such as parents or other caregivers) who were unavailable or unresponsive. An example of an attachment figure being unresponsive would be a child falling on the playground or having a friend be mean to them and seeking their parent for comfort but having their parent ignore them due to being busy talking or just because they don’t want to engage.

Of course, this has sometimes to most kids but it is when this becomes the norm that it plays a role in the formation of a child’s attachment style. Experiencing repeated instances of needing soothing and not getting it can ultimately cause an aversion to seeking it at all. 

Experiencing a past like this leads to the development of attachment-deactivating strategies, such as extreme self-reliance, denying the need for attachment, and ignoring information that might encourage closeness. High levels of attachment avoidance are associated with a suppression of emotion-related thoughts and inhibited emotional reactions (6).

As you might imagine, attempting to develop a relationship with someone who wants to avoid closeness or investment of emotions could be rather difficult. As a person who has avoidant attachment, it can be difficult to find someone who is willing to be committed to you when you have a hard time opening up. 

Emotional Awareness and Regulation

Past research highlights that avoidantly attached individuals often struggle with emotional awareness and clarity. They tend to avoid their feelings, making them less aware of the emotions they experience. On the flip side, people with anxious attachment (another avoidant attachment style) are also known to demonstrate heightened emotional awareness but struggle with regulating these emotions.

Both of these attachment styles cause difficulties in identifying feelings and managing impulses which can be troublesome in both the formation and maintenance of a healthy relationship (5).

Online Dating and Avoidant Attachment

While avoidant attachment can seem limiting due to the tendency to suppress emotions and avoid intimacy, individuals with this style do seek romantic partners. Luckily for them, online dating is popular these days and may benefit them because they seem to prefer the initial emotional distance provided by online dating platforms, which can offer a more controlled way to engage with potential partners (1).

What’s interesting but not too shocking is that people with different attachment styles are likely to experience online dating in different ways. According to new research, there are a few ways that online dating platforms could enhance their effectiveness by considering the attachment styles of their users. These ideas have yet to be implemented but the new research conducted by Dr. Amber Nelson suggests that avoidant individuals might benefit from knowing more information about the behaviors of others on the apps. 

For example, a feature that shows how many times a person has bailed on a face-to-face meeting might make avoidant individuals more likely to invest time in a potential mate since they tend to be weary about people following through. Avoidants also tend to be more willing to meet early on in the online dating interaction than others so a feature that shares a willingness to meet in person and allows a time limit to be set may also be helpful as far as making avoidant individuals more open to meeting.

Adding to that, if you feel you may be pursuing someone who is avoidant then it will likely be helpful for you to share as much information upfront as possible and demonstrate a willingness to meet in person. This may keep the interaction from fizzling out before it even gets started (4). 

What About Therapy?

Based on what research has found, it would be helpful for clinicians to use an individual’s attachment style to tailor their strategies for providing guidance with their personal relationships. For example, avoidantly attached individuals might benefit from therapies that focus on increasing emotional awareness and learning to express emotions in a healthy way and they may need to learn those skills before deeper issues can be addressed.

It’s helpful to know your own attachment style as well. If you are interested in taking a self-help approach and want to learn more about your attachment style or the attachment style of your partner then the book Attached by Amir Levine is a great resource. 

Gratitude and Relationship Satisfaction

It’s probably not too much of a surprise to hear that attachment styles also influence relationship satisfaction. People with higher levels of attachment anxiety and avoidance tend to report being less satisfied in their relationships which is definitely not ideal.

Luckily, experiencing gratitude in a relationship can help mediate this association. This means that the higher the gratitude level of a relationship is, the more satisfied an avoidant person is likely to be with their relationship. This emphasizes the importance of encouraging positive emotions and appreciation in relationships, particularly for those with insecure attachment styles (6).

When thinking about successful relationships for people with avoidant attachment styles it’s important to acknowledge the role of secure individuals in relationships with avoidantly attached partners. Secure adults are the perfect partners for avoidant people because they tend to be very comfortable with closeness and intimacy, which can provide the stabilizing influence that these people need.

They also tend to view relationships positively and are more flexible and understanding during conflicts which is helpful when it comes to relationship satisfaction and maintenance (2). Their positive outlook can help mitigate the challenges posed by an avoidant attachment style.

Tips for Dating with an Avoidant Attachment Style

1. Practice Self-Awareness: Recognize your avoidant tendencies and how they impact your dating life. Awareness is the first step toward change.
2. Start Slow: Take your time getting to know potential partners. Small, gradual steps can help build trust without overwhelming you.
3. Communicate Openly: Let your partner know about your attachment style (or unique characteristics). Open communication can help set realistic expectations and foster understanding.
4. Cultivate Gratitude: Practice gratitude towards your partner to enhance relationship satisfaction. Small acts of appreciation can go a long way.
5. Seek Balance: Find a balance between independence and intimacy. It’s okay to value your autonomy while also making room for closeness.

Takeaways

Understanding avoidant attachment and its implications for dating and relationships is crucial to the success of your relationship or future relationships if you or your parent identify with this attachment style. It not only helps individuals navigate their romantic lives more effectively but can also help their potential partners better understand how they operate. By acknowledging the diverse ways people experience and express attachment, we can create more inclusive and supportive environments for everyone seeking love.

Sources:

1. Chin, K., Edelstein, R. S., & Vernon, P. A. (2019). Attached to dating apps: Attachment orientations and preferences for dating apps. Mobile Media & Communication, 7(1), 41-59. https://doi.org/10.1177/205015791877069

2. Collins, W. A., Welsh, D. P., & Furman, W. (2009). Adolescent romantic relationships. Annual Review of Psychology, 60, 631-652. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.psych.60.110707.163459

3. Ferraro, I. K., & Taylor, A. M. (2021). Adult attachment styles and emotional regulation: The role of interoceptive awareness and alexithymia. Personality and Individual Differences, 173, 110641. 

4. Nelson, A. M. (2024). Adults With Avoidant Attachment Styles and Their Online Dating Experiences (Doctoral dissertation, Walden University).

5. Stevens, F. L. (2014). Affect Regulation Styles in Avoidant and Anxious Attachment. Individual Differences Research, 12(3). 

6. Vollmann, M., Sprang, S., & van den Brink, F. (2019). Adult attachment and relationship satisfaction: The mediating role of gratitude toward the partner. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(11-12), 3875-3886. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519841712