My Mind on Running 

Do you ever wish you could record the monologue that goes on in your head while running? I was so uncomfortable when starting my run today. My brain couldn’t stop. I slept terribly. I’ve been feeling nauseous, maybe dehydrated, maybe some meds I am taking. I have also been feeling super anxious. 

I was up off and on from 4 am until 7 am. Mostly up. I was thinking about racing mostly for some reason. I don’t always have anxiety but when it creeps up it’s super annoying. When I read my workout for today last night night I was excited about it. It was a bit different than usual and I was ready to kill it. But then I woke up wanting to barf. 

Gahhh. How am I going to run? I hydrated. Put cold water on my face. Stretched. Did some deep breathing. Skipped my coffee. Ate some toast. I tried to hype myself up. I HAD to do it and I HAD to do it soon because the temperature was quickly rising.

I choked down my pre-workout. I honestly had no idea if it was going to stay down. The smell alone made me gag. It did. I put my shoes on. I started my watch and ran 20 seconds. Stopped it. Deleted it. Took some breaths. Closed my eyes. You can do this. I restarted my workout and went for it. 

I had a 10 minute warmup. That was mostly fine although I could feel a blister brewing and had to pop back into my house after to change my shoes before the hard stuff came. Shoes changed. Ready. Set. Go. 

Wow, I kinda wanna barf. Okay, I really wanna barf. Oh well, do it anyway. Run anyways. Uh faster than that l. You might wanna barf in Utah. You always wanna barf before the sprint during a trifecta weekend. Just go hard. Turn turn turn turn. I’m a savage. Classy… ????

Harder. Move your legs. Come on legs. MOVE. OH god. ???? ah. Break. 1 min easy. Shoot. I have to go hard again soon. Go easier. No not too easy or it’ll be harder to go hard. Shoot. 1 min hard. Go go go. Shit. Zero to one hundred… real quick. ???? 

Move your legs real quick. Ugh. I wish this workout had a standing recovery. I want to STOP!

Keep pushing. She’s in the burpee pit, pass her. Don’t let up. Ah. 1 minute easy. Good job. You did good that was hard. You pushed hard. You stayed in it. Way to go. Keep working. Ugh 1 min hard again. Oh shoot no 3 mins. Aaaaargh. Gooooo. 3 mins. Go hard. Run hard from the monkey bars to the 7ft wall. Pass her. Stand up, hips forward. What are you doing? Oh and her. Him too. Turn turn turn. Oh geez ???? why am I so queasy? Oh well, you might be in a race. You have been in a race. Fuck races are hard. 

Chin down what are you doing? That doesn’t change the goal. Move. Move faster. Keep moving. I love running. The wind. Ahhh, thank god for the wind. Ohhhh shady spot. 2 mins easy. Thank goodness. I love easy. Dang, good job. That was hard and you feel sick but you stuck in there anyway. I’m proud of you. You could have settled in and stopped pushing but you didn’t. tap tap tap in any ???? Go. Hard. Gosh, this is hard. 

How many more reps? How many minutes is that? If you feel sick it’s okay to let up. You feel good right here. You can stay here. No. No, you cannot. Staying where you feel good doesn’t win races. Make it hurt. You’ve got this. You’re doing great. You showed up. You’re out here. It sucks and you’re doing it. Utah will be hard. So hard. You’re gonna crush.

Gosh, it’s going to be hard l! ohhhh shade. Yes. Easy again. Short-lived. Go again. Hard. 30 seconds. She’s right there. She’s going up the rope. Make it to the rope before she finishes. The race is almost over. Don’t let it go. Push. Make this count. We’re almost done here. ???? this was hard you did the hard stuff. Why do you like this? Hmm. I don’t know.  

This feels like misery like a race. I like races. Lies Garmin. I was going faster than that. Finish it. Strong. Turn turn turn. There she is. Catch her. Last chance move. Dear lord. Thank goodness. Cool downtime. Fuck. Shit. I’m thirsty. How many more minutes? It’s hot. So hot. Why did I wear a shirt today? It’s wet. So wet. Ahhh home. Good job. Nailed it. Still wanna barf. But nailed it. 

After my workout, I sighed in relief. So glad that today’s workout didn’t include goal paces. Sometimes if it does and I miss one by a lot (and today was NOT the day) I get overwhelmed. Angry. Then I panic and I send myself into a downward spiral messing up the entirety of the workout.

Perception is everything sometimes. I worked the hardest I could work on this given day at that given moment. I tested my physical limits but honestly mostly my mental. I can do hard things. I can find motivation when the bucket that I’m dipping out of is empty.