Spartan Racing: A Journey Towards My Own Ceiling 

Jumping from running age group to elite in Spartan racing is a lot to wrap my mind around. I feel scared. I worry about what I might be leaving behind. I worried that my ego might be broken and that I might be last. It’s weird really, someone always has to be last. The problem is that for so long in life I think I felt like I was last. Maybe there is some trauma there. 

How I Pushed Through the Fear

Being first or on the podium in general helped to fight off those feelings of not being good enough from my days of high school sports. I got recognized and complimented and that’s something I didn’t really get from coaches or fellow athletes when I was younger.

I’d love to say that I do all this for myself. And I suppose I do. But I do it to fix myself. To heal the wounds that apparently are deeper than I knew. Sports-specific wounds that I never really noticed before getting into sports as an adult. I like gold stars and pats on the back.

I like to be recognized when I work hard especially when I improve. I would say that is one of my biggest flaws. I can admit that my own gauge of my success isn’t always enough validation for me. I tend to want someone who I view as being higher up on the ladder to let me know I’m succeeding (I hate this about myself and continue to work on it).

I’ve known that I struggle with this for quite a while. It was hard at a group training gym and it’s sometimes hard with a coach. I want to not need anyone else’s validation, I try not to. Yet the need lingers in my subconscious. I seem to seek it continuously in sports. 

Maybe it’s because I don’t trust my own judgment. Seeing myself as an athlete or possessing any athletic ability worth recognizing is not something I am familiar with. I’ve never sought out someone else’s validation with academics or art, but I can recognize that I am good at those things.

Sports are different. I want the people who know what they’re doing to let me know I’m doing it well. I hate it. I want it to go away. Especially because in my soul I know I don’t need it. But yet my soul still seems to want it so badly. My hope is that as I grow as an athlete I am able to trust myself more and that my own pride for my accomplishments will be enough. 

High fives and hell yeahs. They make me feel good. But I also want to be better. I want to be my best self and I know I am currently so far from my own ceiling. Jumping to the next level might involve some heartbreak. It’s definitely going to involve disappointment and regret from time to time. But I have to do it for me.

I spend so much time and money on this sport. I have to see how far I can go. I don’t need the praises of others because I don’t believe in myself. I absolutely do. I know I can show up. I’ve just always wanted others to recognize when I do. This is honestly something hard for me to admit.

A discussion I’ve only truly had with the one person who understands me more than I understand myself. It feels embarrassing. But it feels important to acknowledge so that I can work on overcoming it. 

The age group winner’s podium picture and medal in Spartan racing fill a temporary void. In that moment I feel accomplished and recognized. But I always go home wondering what more I could have done, how much more I could have pushed myself. I want to stop wondering and start doing. It won’t be easy.

Mentally it’ll be a whole new challenge. New barriers and discomforts to push through. But in the end, it’ll only make me stronger.